i remember when I got the call…

I just saw him the night before at the nursing home

barely clinging on to life

i saw the labor

that his body went through to breathe

barely responsive

yet alive

a presence

not exactly aware

but still with us

i was on my way to work that day

and there were no tears

no super emotions

we were solid

i automatically went into “worker” mode

to-do lists

funeral

musical selections and programming

notifying family

burial planning

no time to feel

time to do

in the coming days

as the preparation waned

i was numb to the grief i was soon to experience

the funeral director called

someone had to check the body after he was dressed and prepared

i was available

there he laid

suit pressed

shirt starched

face well adjusted

“he looks like himself” i noted to the director and thanked him as i exited the building

then all of a sudden

like a wall of emotions

i fell to the ground

overcome with the grief i so carefully ignored

there laid the only man who understood me without words

or deeds

a comrade of sorts

witness to the same life narrative

picking up and leaving off at various moments

but still

he was my dad

the intensity wherewith i wept

stunned me

i never allowed myself to ever openly 

and desperately express pain that way

and here i was

driving down the Grand Central

weeping

with the same intensity and face full of tears

i moaned

grief stricken

eyes bloodshot

gone away was a man who I thought understood me without words

or deeds

a comrade of sorts

witness to many similar life narratives

picking up and leaving off various moments

but still

he was my lover and my friend

though without funeral,

it was a love, I guess I may never see

or experience anymore

so what’s better?

having a loved one leave you alone on earth while they transition on to another dimension?

or having a loved one leave you alone on earth

while they transition to another mental space?

same feeling

i think

but with life and with hope

i pray that someday

i will allow myself to feel the depth of love again

that I have for these two men.