“telling you He loves you

telling you He’s never gonna leave you

telling you He loves you

telling you He thinks the world of you…

a love that’s true

a love that’s refreshing

a love for you

the love of God is everlasting

Oh, everlasting love…”

I was having a conversation with one of my best friends recently.

it was a conversation about men

and a conversation about relationships.

the conversation had meandered past the:

“Girl, don’t I KNOW it?”

“GIRL, where do these guys come from?”

and the usual, “Girl, it’s gonna be alright!”

…we women can usually find any of these statements arising when we are discussing the opposite sex.

our conversation had taken a different turn

when my friend explained how she identified that her pattern for choosing men reflected many similarities

in her relationship with her father.

immediately i began to unpack my interactions with my dad.

I began reflecting on memories I’d had as a little girl, girl, and adolescent…even as a young woman.

most of our interactions surrounded some kind of task that I would assist him with.

My father had glaucoma and was “legally” blind 

(chile, he SURE could see -_-)

so oftentimes, he requested my assistance with projects…

painting walls, threading needles, replacing screws into the hinges of his glasses…

finding the right screwdriver head (flathead, phillips…)

As these images floated through my mind

I started to think about me being “his assistant, his eyes and ears”…

and as i was describing the images I was reflecting on,

my friend added:

“Yeah, I remember, you were his little buddy, his sidekick, his apprentice…you and your father were

ALWAYS working on something together.”

My body literally FROZE.

I’d figured it out.

34 years later…

I finally uncovered the subconscious pattern of being a helper to men that I loved.

WHOA.

>insert frozen robot dance<

I could not believe that a simple conversation about men

would’ve uncovered this hidden gem.

not that being a helper wasn’t what I was created to be, but, in a world of disingenuous people,

I needed to proceed with caution.

it 

ALL 

began 

to 

make 

sense.

I dug deeper until

I remembered the unfulfilled longing in my heart 

that craved a deeper, more loving relationship with my father

but because he offered me the “position” to help

I honored his love language to the best of my ability

and took whatever he had to offer.

BUT

that longing never went away.

so as relationships passed and I kept showing up as this “helper”,

it began to make sense to me

why I felt so honored to assist 

the two men in my life that I had ever loved.

it finally made sense why overextending myself to fit their needs

made me feel both satisfied yet unfulfilled.

i desired to be desired and needed.

I wanted to assist and then be assisted.

what I really have begun to understand is that I desire reciprocity.

not necessarily the same as the notion of  “keeping tally”,

but I want to support, I wanted to be their “Jill”, 

so it made me feel good to be reliable, dedicated, committed, and loyal to any task or request that was

asked of me…

still,

there was a longing inside of me that went unfulfilled because my needs were never explored,

my heart never unearthed.

my body, yes.

but my heart,

unchartered territory.

WOW

ultimately, when I positioned myself, in these situations,

to speak my needs or to assess my own needs,

it was met with resistance…

when all I needed to know was that my help was wanted

and in turn, I would never be taken advantage of

and that my heart would always be protected.

understanding all of this now,

“I Got You”, is a phase that I often say

to let anyone know that

I meant what I said and I will see it through to completion.

But have I ever heard it?

Have I ever felt that same reassurance of “everlasting love”?

Have I ever known a love that was true, refreshing, and just for me?

or have I been confused,

having to share the attention/affection,

that I unashamedly desire to be solely for me,

with others?

have I only known lovers that take…

my time

my patience

my loyalty…

for personal or emotional gain?

I really don’t know.

I can’t speak to any one’s intentions…

only God can see the heart.

but I do know that when I think about the way

that I have shown up sometimes in relationships,

it all makes sense now.

I guess the work will be in

breaking unhealthy patterns

of attracting people into my life who won’t

light up shadows,

climb up mountains,

kick down walls,

or tear down lies…

coming after me.

a reckless love of sorts…

no shade, no disrespect.

I’m never going to fall victim to thinking that I am not good enough

or that my worth is wrapped up in my

body

job

or accomplishments.

God loves ME.

authentically, expressively, and boldly.

without reservation.

this morning my car stopped.

on the Jackie Robinson parkway 

right after the curve underneath Queens boulevard…

My car stopped and began to roll backwards.

i started panicking

and my kids started screaming.

I quieted them and began to think quickly on how to stop the car and avoid an accident.

then I thought about who I could call…

I began to think about who would know what to do

and who could calm me while helping me and giving me direction.

my bro-in-law, Keith (I never call names here, but he deserves a shoutout)

I called him, he answered second ring, ha.

i told him what was going on, he told me what to do.

i followed his direction and then sat in my car waiting for the tow truck.

cars passed by for about ten minutes.

there was one car.. a male Jewish driver,

he slowed down next to my car,

looked me in the eyes and asked: 

“Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

I smiled, waved and said “thank you, but I’m alright.”

I wasn’t, but I’m not sure what he could’ve done for me in that moment.

but I smiled knowing that there are people like my bro-in-law and him in the world.

i smile, 

believing in my heart, 

that there is a physical embodiment of that

Christ-like love,

care,

and concern,

walking here on earth searching to find me.

ready to love an imperfect me

perfectly.

..an everlasting love that will always

publicly

privately

and in-deed

choose me.