last summer right after my breast reduction surgery, my friends started encouraging me to live my BEST life.

At the time, I wasn’t really sure what it meant for me personally…

I’m not a big drinker and I’m definitely not a party/club girl.

I’m a game night, spades, pool, and house party kinda gal.

But as my summer continued, I came to the realization that if I wanted to land a “bigger fish”, bigger results in life, I was going to need “bigger bait.” But what did THAT mean?

Some of my friends felt that a “big fish” meant a dude >insert side eye< and in some ways, it cloud’ve. I started playing around with my style, my choice of clothing, my hair…and it garnered some attention, but nothing that really “baited” anything that kept my attention.

I had my fun, learned some new styles, and I gained some new experiences and friends…but I felt like it wasn’t enough.

Recently, I was having an amazing conversation with a friend of mines who commented on one of my Instagram stories. The post read: “I want nothing more than to help him manifest his vision, as I manifest my own.” 

He said that I was “crazy”. I told him that I fully believe in partnership. I still asked him to explain his “crazy” statement. He said: “I think you’re a great woman, so when I say crazy, I mean special.” He continued, “For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve ALWAYS been this way…your thinking is different, your threshold is different.” To which I replied, “maybe I need to lower my threshold?” And he said: “Nah, you’re gonna do what it takes, you are NOT like anyone else.” And when I asked him if that was a bad thing, he said that it could be in the hands of the wrong person.

IMMEDIATELY I began to think about the whole “BIG Fish, Big Bait” concept. He continued and said: “Your’e not a baby mama or a fun time girl…you’re a wife and you are gonna get it the hardest.” Now, no offense to “baby mamas or fun time girls”, I think his definition meant that I wasn’t a woman who was “temporary” or one “for a moment”, please take no offense, I LOVE ALL MY BABY MOMMAS >insert Andre 3000 voice<.

I told him that I am a lifetime woman UN-A-PO-LO-GE-TI-CA-LLY. I told him that I take BIG risks because I’m working towards lifetime payouts and that I am crazy enough to go after it. BIG FISH, BIG BAIT.

I’m a woman who is crazy enough to love again after heartbreak. 

I’m crazy enough to go back to grad school TWO TIMES and work hard towards a dream LONG after anyone thought I should, EVEN while being taunted as a “professional student”. 

I’m a black woman crazy enough to press towards MANY of my dreams in this CRAZY America.

I’m crazy enough to stand for the truth, knowing I could lose friendships, relationships…even family. 

I’m a BIG risk taker, but I believe that I’ve got a LOT on the line. My future, my financial freedom, living out my dreams and even helping “him” in whatever way I can. So According to my friend, I’m “playing the long game” and I’m really not sure who else is in 2019.

As my divorce is 1% from completion >insert aggressive Milly Rock<, I think about my future and what risks I am going to take as it pertains to life, career, and love. Even more serious are that the risks that I have to account for don’t only include my life, but that of my two beautiful children. So if I risk BIG and miss, what will that look like? I’m not sure. But I’m NEVER going to stop loving hard, I’m NEVER going to stop trusting HARD (as hard as I can, let’s be honest), I’m NEVER going to stop BEING and showing up and sitting at the table.

NOTHING has broken me yet..I’ve loved, lost, and I’ve learned. I’ve passed and I’ve failed. I won’t quit. I’m STILL going after the “BIG” fish with my BIG bait. Don’t believe me? Just watch.