5.2

This birthday was a series of celebrations like none I’ve ever had before.

If I ever doubted that I was loved before, man, there was no denying it now.

So here I was, sitting in this fine restaurant, amidst waiters in their black shirts and pants, donning white aprons.

The room was elegant, dimly lit, and energetic.

Somewhere in between the champagne, crab cake, prime rib, and opening gifts, I was having an in-depth conversation about life.

My friend asked me, “So what are your goals? What’s next?”

I literally drew a blank. I was without concrete thought.

I laughed at how ill-prepared I was for that question. Had you asked me that same question a few years ago, I would have run down a very lengthy list of things that I wanted to accomplish.

And here I was, void of word or thought.

I moved on and thought about a picture that one of my sisters sent me. She was going through old pictures and sent me a picture of my Aden from a time when he was tiny and sitting in a stroller. She also sent me a picture of myself at the same event, halfway standing behind Mr. Chuck E. Cheese.

Although she sent me this picture weeks prior, when the thought of that picture came to mind, I opened my phone to show my friend during our discussion.

I opened the photo and said, “Look at this.” My friend was silent, then looked at me and said, “No, no way is that you. Your face looks different, your hair…no, no way.”

And I literally said, “Yes, that was me and man, nobody really knows what its taken for me to get to THIS place. Right here, right now.”

Immediately I felt tears rush to my eyes trying to escape. I picked up my napkin from my lap and pressed it quickly into my eyes…to stop the tears and to prevent them from taking off my lashes.

Every time I moved the napkin and tried to speak, the words would get choked up in my throat…and the tears would begin again.

All I could utter in that moment was, “No one knows how hard I’ve worked to get to this place…inside OUT.”

If you’ve been a Day1 reader, you’ve been there from the brink of disaster and tragedy…you’ve read many of the highs and sat with me through some lows…you even read eagerly that one time I thought I fell in love. Ha.

And yet, here I am. Whole. Healed. Happy.

I Forgave.

I Forgot.

I’m Free.

and Fearless.

Finally.

I have never been loved completely. I once used to think that my efforts could prove love. Those efforts had me mopping floors, detailing cars, playing assistant, and cleaning roaches…for love. 😅

Chile. We are no longer proving…we’re improving. The rooms that I’ve been in and the doors that God has opened have literally reminded me that God saw my needs, heard my prayers, and decided to bless me because He loves me. Me.

I have family, original parts and replacement parts. God has constructed…created a hodgepodge of people from all walks of life that love me, see me, and believe in me and want the world for me. Their love wants me to win.

The last season God had to get me away from some really harmful, toxic, depleting situations. God taught me boundaries, healthy ones. God taught me that wisdom is the principal thing but to also obtain understanding. God has given me a heart of flesh where I should have a heart of stone.

God has replaced the lies that I used to believe about myself and replaced them with the truth of who I Am in Him…and reinforces my purpose through His Word.

So although I didn’t have any new goals at that moment to share, I’ve been very grateful savoring the blessings and gifts that God has given me.

I’ve wanted to come on here and write for so long but always walked away because the timing didn’t feel right.

But it is right, now. I can see in color now. I feel alive more than I ever have.

I deserve NOTHING. I owe God EVERYTHING. My life doesn’t belong to me. I’m still on track for leaving earth empty. I’ve experienced some major wins that I can’t even share yet…God gave me new dreams, new visions…another opportunity to live at the highest level. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

I’m better for every setback. It really was good that I was afflicted. It was good how bad I was hurt. It was good that the love I thought I wanted never chose me. Today I’m grateful. Grateful for a tender heart. I’m grateful for every time I choose doing what is right as opposed to making a habit of life doing what feels good.

I’ve never been in love…I might be ready to try that.

I’ve never been on a road trip for blue crabs, I might wanna try that soon.

And I still haven’t learned how to ride a bike! Oh my!

Soon I will. Just wait and see.

I’m so hopeful.

I’m so positive-half glass full.

I’ve got so much joy doing what I love. I love serving others. I absolutely love being behind the scenes, behind the stage…helping build dreams. ✨

This past year around the sun, I’ve learned how to value the currency of time and to never waste another moment unintentionally. Finally.

Cheers to a healthy, beautiful, blessed, impactful new year, chapter, and life. 🥂