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somehow I’ve walked into so much newness…

walking away from what was old and what was painful, to be honest, can actually be quite painful.…

sometimes pain can be comfortable…so maybe that’s why change feels so different.

I’ve been having a lot of new external experiences as well as new internal experiences.

I really haven’t had many words that I wanted to share TBH.

to date, there have been so many layers of me that have shed completely away.

this woman that I have become, is actually the woman of my dreams lol.

born out of the fire, I rise.

I’ve finally allowed myself to F E E L…that’s been dormant for so long.

I’ve struggled with the reality of the traumas that I’ve experienced over time in life.

MOMENT OF SILENCE.

And yet, the process of becoming has been so beautifully unearthing.

In the last 97 days, I think I’ve cried more tears collectively than in my entire life.

Tears of brokenness

rage

disbelief

humiliation

sadness

joy

triumph…

They have all released so much vulnerability in me that I new existed but failed to tap into.

The walls of protection that I built for myself, definitely out of necessity, have become undone and obsolete.

Heartbreak is something I know well, literally I don’t need another dress rehearsal (thanks in advance, life)

But love, loving myself in particular, is something that I did not have the tools to inform certain experiences.

Fear is not the opposite of faith, doubt is.

And in essence, I doubted my ability to be loved for so long.

TRANSPARENCY: The inability to love one’s self can actually force life to teach you what love IS NOT.

Jesus.

Love is not overworking yourself to the bone without relief.

Love is not being everything to everyone and leaving nothing for yourself.

Love is not being anyone’s afterthought.

Love is not waiting around for scraps while everyone fine dines. (inside joke)

Love is making time for your self care.

Love is supporting your own dreams and desires so that you will be fulfilled to help someone else.

Love is making sure your needs are voiced and communicated…seen, heard, and experienced.

Love is being patient with yourself, being kind to yourself, and looking past your faults, first….just to name a few.

Now that I know this.

Now that I believe this.

Now that I have the faith for it, I can turn the pages that were filled with tears.

My words were thick like humidity in my mind and the only forecast was rain…my tears.

Searching for shelter, I found the Son, again and I opened up the door to my heart, again.

I thank the pain. It has informed my decision-making forever.

So long to naïveté, now replaced with the unrelenting stance and voice for all I require.

I found my “pen” ;) again, so stay tuned.

xoxo.