soft

I was going through my photos trying to find the right one.

I was going for a “soft” look.

I wanted to reflect on how this year and all the lessons it taught, didn’t harden me.

I searched and searched.

I couldn’t find one.

I’m not really sure if I could’ve possibly deleted a group of photos in which i felt “soft”…

but I know there weren’t any left on my phone.

I have moments with my children, smiling, happy faces.

I have highlights from my graduation

or personal videos of when I got both my diplomas in the mail…

I have videos singing silly songs in the car

I have videos lip-synching to my favorite love songs…

but I couldn’t find a one picture representative of my “softness”.

I know that every thing that tried me this year…

everything AND everyone

but I also know that I don’t hold any grudges, so that keeps me soft.

I’ve had tough parenting moments where I was stretched, at times I felt, beyond my capacity…

I’ve had rough relationship moments, where relationships of every kind wore my nerves AND patience…

I’ve had financial attacks that left me wondering WHAT ON EARTH was going on…

I’ve felt heartache where I wanted to curl up into a ball and weep…

I’ve had tough family moments, where I felt the familiar hardening trying to take hold…

But no.

Here I am.

Unbelievably broken and vulnerable.

Fragmented yet whole.

Shattered yet I remain.

I should be hard…I should even look hard…

from every ugly experience I’ve had this year alone…

But here I am.

Braving the cold.

Enduring.

Faith-filled.

Optimistic about the present.

Not worrying about what is outside of my control.

I must admit.

As perplexed as my emotions may be momentarily, I feel

Capable

Grounded

Passionate.

A long time ago, I promised myself to remain soft, despite what life throws at me.

Today, at the end of a very trying year.

I stand soft, pink, tender, supple, loving, warm, open, delicate, and believing that what’s coming has got to be better than what’s been.

love & light.

Happy 2020 <3

xoxo

Rissa