faith > f e a r
Growing up, one of my biggest fears was not having my parents around when I grew up.
Then my father died.
Another one of my biggest fears was being in a relationship with someone who was unfaithful, dishonest, and ending up divorced.
Welp, that happened too.
Another one of my biggest fears was losing a child or something tragic happening to any of them.
My daughter battled and overcame cancer at the tender age of 2.
Biggest of all, this fear of the unknown was always present in whatever situation I found myself in. This fear often encouraged me to run from healthy conflict resolution in friendships/relationships, but it also caused a residual doubt of the authenticity of any relationship past what I could presently see. Couple this with abandonment issues and I’m pretty sure I’m the reason that my therapist is a well paid woman. Ha!
Earlier this year I participated in a workshop on “Acceptance & Commitment Therapy”. This therapeutic intervention promised transforming emotional pain, freeing yourself from negative thinking, self-judgement, and living a life you value.
As I sat in the workshop, my mind was blown, the instructor gave us a new way to conceptualize thoughts. He suggested viewing thoughts as a simple, physiological function that happens as a natural occurrence in our minds. And what empowered and transformed my thinking was how we can train our minds to perceive thoughts to pass, to dwell, or to wrestle with.
As I began to think about some of my negative thoughts, I began to think of how I consistently wrestled with thoughts of “the unknown”:
How do I get over “it”?
Will my plans work?
Will I ever find my way in life?
All at once, the way I viewed my thoughts became more of a choice that I was going to have to make on what I did with them. Would I let them pass? Would I let them stay? Or would I wrestle with them? What IF you chose to let go of negative thinking? What if you had a negative thought and “chased” it away with a laugh or a simple “Nah, I’m not even gonna think that” instead of a frightened, impulsive reaction?
As I’ve been practicing this way of thinking, I fell into a situation this summer that required me to process through what the therapy is called: “Suffering Inventory”. You basically describe painful and difficult issues that you consistently experience, describe how long you can remember ever having the experience, and then move into a space where you begin creating new thoughts as if these persistent issues/difficulties never existed.
I’m a person who has experienced pain. All kinds of pain, abandonment, rejection, ridicule, manipulation, etc. I’m also a person who has overcome. And my thoughts should represent that better. If every time a challenging thought of doubt or mistrust about my future of any kind presents itself, I should always have the memories of overcoming to squash those thoughts.
While I continue to do my work, I implore each and every one of you to continue to do yours. I’ve found that a lot of hot girls summers are about to turn into fall rehabs. I’m developing a mindset and a thought pattern of: “You can’t burn me down with the same fire twice.” Meaning that I refuse to be burdened by actual pain from things I’ve encountered ALREADY and endured time and time again. It’s time to let it all go. Time to let it burn. Time to walk away wholly from what doesn’t serve the best parts of my mind and direction for my life. It’s a process that I refuse to run from any more.
With my impending freedom, comes a world of responsibility. Dependent on my successful growth, healing, and upward mobility, is my future first, and that of my children…my future children, my future partner, and life. It’s worth it. Today, here’s your confirmation that there’s more work to be done. Today is your confirmation that there are more stones that have yet to be uncovered. This is your continued work, to not get stuck in any failure. To not let your mind be consumed with fears of the future or regrets from the past.
Chapter 34 is still teaching me about grace. As much grace as I’ve been trying to have for others, I’ve learned to allow myself to receive that same energy. I’ve decided to become my biggest fan. To become real with the parts of me that still need work, but praising the beauty that came from the ashes that God has used to cultivate a new foundation in me. Combating these “fears” with relentless faith is my methodology to complete wholeness. Not allowing the sufferings of this present time to disrupt The vision for the future good possibilities that are awaiting me.
Keep scratching, keep exploring, keep nurturing, keep letting the pain out, keep getting back up. Just men fall many times, but they get back up each time. Keep growing, keep glowing, keep showing up. Speak to those thoughts of fears and let them know that they must occupy a different residence.