radio.

I was driving down the grand central. same commute, different routine. kids in the back, sunroof down, digging the scene with the gansta’ lean…naw, actually, not really.

I was driving down the grand central parkway headed towards the RFK bridge in complete silence. It was something that I didn’t realize that I was doing until I realized it. silence. not a sound. kid 1 and 2 sleeping on the commute to school, but outside of the symphony of NYC traffic, silence.

It actually started on the very first day of school, trying to get everyone situated, dressed, fed, and ready to go…gas tank filled, and we’re OFF. I turned on the usual morning talk radio, 107.5, The Steve Harvey Morning Show. I loved the Strawberry Letters and prank phone calls by Nephew Tommy. After the usual morning banter, they moved to the music segment and started playing “The Weekend” by SZA, self-proclaimed “side-chick music”. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. I shut the radio off with haste. That was the song that she highlighted while my marriage was ending. It seemed like every time I turned the radio on, it was one love song after the next. Each time, it brought up different memories and feelings that I shared both good and bad experiences with. So, to hear ANY song during those fragile moments, I  had no time for it, no space for it, and I was just OVER it.

It’s funny because the entire time I did “my work”, I never ever once thought about my inability to turn on the radio. I felt as if listening to these songs would open up parts of my heart that I needed closed in order to heal. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but I did not want to rehearse songs about love in a time when my heart needed to heal from the hurts that that “love” caused. I didn’t realize it until this past spring. I was driving the kids home from school one afternoon and I was listening to a song that a friend sent me, “Never Enough” from The Greatest Showman. 

“I’m trying to hold my breath

let it stay this way

Can’t let this moment end…”

The song literally took my breath away. It completely described what I was feeling at that very moment. But I didn’t realize that I truly had been unable to leisurely listen to music for some time. I sung, I rehearsed, I methodically learned new material, but it had been some time since I closed my eyes, felt the melodies, and sang lyrics from my heart.

I said all of that to say, there is a tremendous amount of work to be done in any of our lives. Even when we think we’ve reached higher heights and deeper depths, there’s always more unearthing that’ll happen. For me, turning the music on meant opening up a part of my heart that was closed for some time. Similar to lightning bolts, electric charges, and flashing lights, I learned that my heart, though mending, was able to feel music’s lyrics again. So many songs entered in after that, I can’t help but to always hold them dear.

So I’ll say this too, though it might seem scary or frightening, feel. I did. For the first time in a long time. I laid down my inhibitions and let the playlists PLAY. Now, songs do end, but knowing the possibility that your heart CAN sing again is such a beautiful feeling. One I wouldn’t ever apologize for or be sad about…your heart likes mines can feel again.

Take some time and generate a playlist for yourself or maybe you have a loved one whose in your thoughts. Send them a playlist. I know I love them. Music literally, like love, is a universal language. When I think of some of my musical heroes like Stevie Wonder, Quincy Jones, Anita Baker, Babyface, Brandy…just to name a FEW…Send someone some love today. Silence can’t ever be misinterpreted, but a song can reveal complex layers to a person’s soul. I love trap, I luh God, and I’m a classical music/world music/jazz music aficionado. TRY ME. ;)

But for now:

Alexa, play “How Do You Want It” by Tupac

<3