i know who i am.

when I was a little girl, I used to wait for my father to come home from work.

I had his tea kettle on the stove with hot water.

I had his whole wheat bread toasted and warm.

I knew that whatever he was bringing home to eat for dinner, or whatever he would fix, these two components would accompany his dish.

It was at his dinner table that I would listen to his day.

What happened with his customers, what happened on the bus, how his boss was proud of him.

Listening to him and then me filling him in on any and everything that happened with me.

He was all ears.

That’s what I came to know, how I came to learn about reciprocal communication.

My parents were the kind of people who taught us to be ourselves and find value in who God made us to be uniquely.

Now, they weren’t totally invested in the process, haha…nor was my mother an advocate for “self-expression”, but their method provoked inner work to not covet or long to desire to be anyone or anything else than who God made you to be…all eight of us. Whew.

It was in this process that I learned to love my braces, my acne…haha.

Through those years, I learned to love being called “Puff” (only my Day1s know about this…if you’d like to know, just pull up a quick Kirby pic, hahahaha)

I went through some heavy things as a youth. So I’m grateful that I always had clarity on was who I was, wanted to be, and who I was not.

Having that “guide” or training, made it easy in my teen years to choose paths that were better and more aligned with who I knew I was and who I was not.

I didn’t have to choose drugs or years of wild drunkenness, or being “out there” like that.

Many of my peers deemed me “a good girl”. A name that I carried with honor, knowing that the name meant, at its core, that I was different.

Although I worked hard for maintaining my mind and walk, it didn’t mean that I didn’t have my fair share of heartbreaks or disappointment, or learning moments.

Life had a snarky way of reminding me that not every heart was pure and that some people can intentionally be cruel, intentionally be harmful…etc.

Recently someone called me jealous.

I thought to myself, “Jealous???”

Then I said, “of what?”

They couldn’t really illicit their true thoughts…I’m not sure why.

But after ending the conversation, I went to Professor Google to look up the word, jealous.

Jealous

1. feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages.

2. feeling or showing suspicion of someone's unfaithfulness in a relationship.

3. fiercely protective or vigilant of one's rights or possessions.

I immediately cancelled out #2 &#3 because this person and I were never in a relationship to be having a conversation about unfaithfulness, so they were never “my property”. You down with OPP? haha.

But I did ponder about #1. Maybe they felt that I was jealous/envious of their achievements or advantages? But then I thought about how I was raised and how I was taught to be myself and pursue opportunities and things that were uniquely designed to me/for me…even if it meant taking the long or lonely road. How could I be jealous of someone who isn’t in the same field as I or even shares the same friend pool?? I’m associating advantages with networks and achievements based upon career or financial gains.

IDK

Then I thought about a possible romantic twist that I now think was being alluded to.

So now I’m up in the middle of the night, piecing together just how I feel about this situation.

But through my filters, through the ways that I’ve been raised and taught to filter, I still can’t see it.

Even in love, if a situation doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. The process is: work through the pieces you own, work through the lessons, heal, and keep pushing.

When heavy feelings are involved, of course, one or both parties might feel a bit salty after the dust is settled.

But I had to stop and ask myself, what exactly would I be jealous of?

1. What were the losses that I experienced in my life as a direct result of no longer being “close”?

2. How has my day-to-day changed?

3. What support, value, influence that was added to my life, do I now miss?

4. What did I gain as an individual, as a human, as a beneficiary of that “love”?

If being jealous means that one has to have an advantage over someone else that they’re envious of, WHAT ARE THE ADVANTAGES that I am missing out on???

I’ll wait.

There is no answer, because the answer is nothing.

I lived a life where I had to work really hard to be myself in a world that uses people like me. Natural cheerleaders, natural born supporters, hard workers, people who don’t mind standing in the shadows to help “produce” for someone else, people who aren’t afraid to push someone else’s dreams, goals, and aspirations.

I’ve excelled in education and I am in a career where i LOVE what I do. I LOVE working with tomorrow’s generation to help build their sense of worth, esteem, and “SELF”.

I’m a pourer, I’m a helpmeet. I’m a vision carrier/runner. I help build dreams. I help bounce ideas. I’m a “closer”. I’m a teammate. I can even step in and be Captain if needed.

My prayers move heaven. I’m blessed to see in dreams. I’m gifted to interpret them.

A dope mom. An entrepreneur. BIG THINGS LOADING, WHEW!!!!

I didn’t talk about exteriors because Proverbs 31:30…but I excel in that department also.

Thanks to my pops who taught me the value in putting the water in the pot and putting it on the stove. I learned value in that. Thanks to him who taught me the importance of hard work and walking a path, even if it was less traveled.

Jealous? ha.

I learned a long time ago, that I’m some pressure, baby.

In every kind of way ;)